“We can make nature do whatever we like”

“We can make nature do whatever we like,” sneered the scientist toward the heavens, “including make a man.”

“Prove it,” thundered a voice within a cloud. “Make a man just as I made Adam.”

“No problem,” chuckled the scientist, who bent down to scoop up a handful of earth.

“No,” said the Almighty. “Get your own dirt.”

Source.

Actual Call to a University

Me: “[University name], how may I transfer your call?”

Lady: “Yes, my son missed his first day of class and for some reason the class room has changed and he can’t find it.”

Me: “He can come into the computer lab and look up his schedule to verify which room the class is located.”

Lady: “He is on campus right now wandering around and no one is helping him. He is already late for class, and it is your fault. Can you go find him and take him to his class?”

Me: “…we don’t provide those services. He can come look up his schedule and then go to class.”

Lady: “Urgh!” *click*

From Not Always Right.

A Wall Clock for Mathematicians

Here.

Views on Toys

    Capitalism: He who dies with the most toys, wins.
    Hari Krishna: He who plays with the most toys, wins.
    Judaism: He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
    Catholicism: He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
    Anglican: They were our toys first.
    Greek Orthodox: No, they were ours first.
    Branch Davidians: He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
    Atheism: There is no toy maker.
    Polytheism: There are many toy makers.
    Evolutionism: The toys made themselves.
    Church of Christ, Scientist: We are the toys.
    Communism: Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to the opposite of heaven if we catch you selling ours.
    B’Hai: All toys are just fine with us.
    Amish: Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
    Taoism: The doll is as important as the dump truck.
    Mormonism: Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.
    Voodoo: Let me borrow that doll for a second…
    Hedonism: Hang the rule book! Let’s play!
    Seventh Day Adventist: He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
    Church of Christ: He whose toys make music, loses.
    Baptist: Once played always played.
    Jehovah’s Witnesses: He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
    Pentecostalism: He whose toys can talk, wins.
    Existentialism: Toys are a figment of your imagination.
    Confucianism: Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
    Non-denominationalism: We don’t care where the toys came from, let’s just play with them.

(Source: Unknown)

Pastor Candidates

The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a pastorate:

Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how he and his wife enjoy walking nude in the woods.

Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man’s wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.

Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.

Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.

David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor’s wife.

Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.

Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.

Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.

Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife’s occupation.

Deborah: Strong leader and seems to be anointed, but she is female.

Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.

Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.

Jonah: Refused God’s call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people–might fit in better in a poor congregation.

John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn’t dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.

Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.

James & John: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn’t follow along with them.

Timothy: Too young!

Methuselah: Too old … WAY too old!

Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We’re inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

(Source: Unknown)

Paul Rejected as a Missionary Candidate

MYSTERY BABYLON DENOMINATION
FOREIGN MISSIONS BOARD

TO:
Rev. Saul Paul
First Christian Church
Antioch, Syria

Dear Mr. Paul:

I have your application for missionary appointment before me, and will be as frank as possible concerning your qualifications as a foreign missionary. We have to be very careful in choosing our missionaries, and our Missions Board has reviewed your case thoroughly. We have decided that it would be unwise to send you to the foreign field for the following reasons:

1.  It has come to our attention that you are doing secular work on the side. We do not feel that making tents and full time ministry go together very well. [1Th 2:9] It seems that you do not have enough experience in trusting the Lord for your income. You should make up your mind whether you want to preach or continue your profession.

2.  Your previous actions have been very rash and unseemly for a minister. We learned that in a public meeting you opposed Dr. Simon Peter, an esteemed minister with a high reputation. [Ga 2:11-14] We also hear that you argued so violently with some of our ministers that a special council meeting had to be called at Jerusalem to prevent a serious split in the churches. [Ac 15:1-30] We frown on such radicalism. For your own good, I am enclosing a copy of Daius’ Carnegus book on “How to Win Jews and Influence Greeks.” [Ga 1:10, 1Th 2:4-6]

3.  You have conflicted with mature Jewish brethren in nearly every city you have visited who simply want to encourage the converted Pagans to be properly circumcised. Mr. Paul, you must know that these men are our most learned sages with a deep sense of the roots and history of our faith. As well, and more importantly, these men control the synagogues you could be ministering in if you would simply tone down your dialog into a more friendly and respectful exchange. [Gal 5:2-12]

4.  In checking back, we discovered your Christian education consisted of a three year course in Arabia. [Ga 1:15-20] We find that the Arabian school has not been approved by our accreditation board.

5.  Further, you admit to being an unskilled public speaker. [2Co 10:10, 11:6] Paul, surely you must know that people expect fine elocution from men of God, and that as a denomination we stand for the highest levels of excellence in the pulpit. Yet instead of going to much-needed oratory classes you spend your time making tents instead. From your correspondence, you also appear to be spending a considerable amount of time writing letters to insignificant little “churches” that meet in homes. [Ac 28:3-6] Honestly now; do you really think that such misguided activities are what will lead to your success in the world of religion? We strongly suggest that you put down your tools and set aside your pen, and instead practice hand gestures, facial expressions, and voice modulation in front of a mirror for several hours a day until you come up to par.

6.  We also hear a rumor that you are a snake handler. We don’t have all the details on that episode at Melita, but such a reputation could only hurt the true cause of Christ and the Church. [Ac 28:3-6]

7.  It has come to the attention also that you often emphasize “the power of God” and “the gifts of the Spirit.” [1Co 2:3-5, 12:1-7] Also that you speak in tongues a great deal. [1Co 14:18] Surely you realize that such as this only drives off the better class of people, and attracts only the riff-raff. It would be better to tone down those more sensational forms of worship. You sound as though you are “off the deep end.” [1Co 3:18]

8.  It has been proven to our satisfaction that you had hands laid on you at Antioch with prophecy going forth, [Ac 13:1-3] with none of the Apostles or Headquarters brethren present to conduct this ordination service in the prescribed manner.

9.  We see here that you have a jail record in several places. [2Co 11:23-27] If this is true, it puts you in a bad light, for our denomination has always stood for a high standard of civic responsibility. I fear it would damage our reputation to have someone representing us that had served time in jails and prisons. Frankly, Mr. Paul, we seriously doubt you could have been innocent and the judge wrong in so many cases. It just doesn’t look right.

10.  It seems that you are a troublemaker, Mr. Paul. Several business men of Ephesus have written us that you were the cause of severe loss of business to them and even stirred mob violence. You must learn to cultivate the friendship and influence of men such as these. [Ac 16:16-22]

11.  We also have some details of a shameful “over the wall in a basket” episode at Damascus, [2Co 11:30-33] plus a stoning at Lystra, and several other violent actions taken against your ministry. [2Ti 3:11] Haven’t you ever suspected that conciliatory behavior and gentler words might gain you more friends? We have never condoned such sensationalism in the ministry. This is just not the type of missionary that we send out.

12.  We have learned through channels that following some trouble with a preacher on the island of Cyprus, you began to allow yourself to be known by the Gentile pronunciation of your name rather than the proper Hebrew. [Ac 13:4-11] Yet another conflict, and then a name change. This does not seem to us to be conduct becoming to the ministry.

13.  You admitted in your application that in the past you neglected such needy fields as Bithynia, just because “the Spirit didn’t lead that way,” and that you undertook a hazardous journey on the strength of a dream you had at Troas. [Ac 16:6-10] Mr. Paul, surely you don’t expect us to go along with such flimsy and fantastic excuses for your seemingly purposeless wanderings.

14.  Many times you did not stay long enough, in our opinion, to get a church established. You left your converts many times without even a pastor to guide them, and without setting the church in order in some good hierarchical denomination. [Ts 1:5]

15.  We hear also from Troas that you preach too long, one sermon lasting almost twenty-four hours, even to the extent that a young man fell asleep and was seriously injured. [Ac 20:7-12] We understand that you claim to have restored his life and raised him from the dead by falling on him and embracing him. What nonsense! We need practical men in the ministry, Mr. Paul, not high-strung emotional radicals. Our advice is for you to shorten your sermons considerably. We find that about twenty minutes is the longest a minister can hold the attention of his audience these days. Our motto is “Stand up, speak up, and shut up.”

16.  It is reported from your home church that you could not get along with your fellow ministers; that John Mark–a commendable young man and nephew of one of our leading ministers–had to leave your party in the middle of a journey; and that you had a sharp quarrel with gentle, good natured Barnabas. [Ac 15:36-40] Now these men are well thought of in Jerusalem and we wonder why you are always having trouble with your fellow workers?

17.  We have notarized affidavits from four very popular and influential preachers: Diotrephes, Demas, Hymenaeus, and Alexander; to the effect that it is impossible for them to cooperate with either you or your program. [1Ti 1:20]

18.  From what we hear, you seem to think that you have some direct sanction from on-high, boasting about your revelations and that God has chosen you to reveal some “Mystery”. [Ep 3:3-4] Can’t you realize that any truth that is to be revealed would come through Headquarters to the recognized, established brethren, and that after it had been checked by our Procedure and Doctrine Committee that we would distribute it on to the ministry?

19.  Finally, we hear that you claim to be an Apostle. We know nothing of this being passed upon by the proper authoritative channels and wonder how you could back that claim up, when the last Apostle was voted into office right here in Jerusalem. [Ac 1:26] Now that our denomination is firmly established, why do you imagine there would be any need for God to continue the Apostolic gifting?

As you see, Mr. Paul, we feel definitely after close scrutiny of your case, that you are undoubtedly the most unqualified applicant we have ever seen, and my advice for you is to find a church where you can work in harmony, and use your past education as perhaps a Sunday School teacher.

I hope I have prevented you from making a terrible mistake in your life.

Most sincerely yours,
J. Flavios Fluphehead, SECY

(Source: http://www.acts17-11.com/snip_rejected.html)

How Not to Pray

Here are a few public prayer gaffs we have noted over the years.  Laura tells me I am chronic on a few of these. I will not tell you which.

Be warned in advance that reading these might stilt your first few public prayers afterwards.

Luke 11:1 (KJV) … “Lord, teach us to pray, as John also taught his disciples.”

JUST inJUSTice:

For some inexplicable reason, the word JUST shows up a lot in prayer.  “Just” is used for pausing, for filler, as an adverb, for rhythm, and, well, to underscore that this is just prayer and not talking in general. Since this is not normally the case in human dialog, it is hard to explain why. This is also known as the JUST’n MARTYR PRAYER.

“Lord, we JUST pray that you would JUST like, JUST really JUST totally…”

THE GOSSIP:

“Lord, please forgive Pam [not present] for her sexual lust towards George [who is present].”

THE THEOLOGIAN:

Here the person feels led to lecture God on various–usually obvious–points of theology, as if God needed reminding.  While the words of such prayers can be valid enough if said in a spirit of praise, THE THEOLOGIAN gives you the distinct impression that he/she is praying to ideas rather than God; or perhaps trying to impress the rest of us.

“Lord, you are God.  You are the Triune, Immutable, Omniscient, Revelatory, the First Principle.  You even know what I am going to pray next!…  [etc. etc. etc.]“

THE OPPORTUNIST:

For someone who would never get a word in edgewise in a normal conversation–because what they want to say is inherently boring or unedifying–prayer can be an opportunity to “seize the floor” and speechify at great length without fear of rebuttal or interruption unless something really awful is said; and perhaps not even then, as social convention says it is very rude to interrupt while someone is praying.

“Lord, I just want to pray for my stamp collection.  I know nobody here cares about it, but I know you do.  As for that manager at Philately’s that wants to charge me too much for that display-book, I pray you would soften his heart to give me a discount.  And those stamps I need in the 40’s collection, you know those rare pieces that I missed on eBay last month… [on and on and on].”

THE LECTURER:

Similar to THE OPPORTUNIST, but here the motive is to harangue someone else–or the group–by sermonizing in general. Also known as THE SERMON PRAYER.

“O God, forgive those among us who do not understand the need to… [fill in the blanks].”

“Lord, forgive the congregation for their continued failure to tithe.  For ‘The tithe is the Lord’s’, and ‘Test me in this’ saith the Lord… [and on and on]“

CALLING DOWN FIRE:

To rant or vituperate in a prayer.  Basically, to ask God to send down a lightning bolt of judgment. (Often aimed at ungodly politicians.) Such prayers seem to beg for the response: “You do not know what Spirit you are of”. (Lk 9:55, Mt 5:11-12)

“Lord, that lady who gestured rudely to me in my car today, I pray that you would slap her silly with your scorching judgment.  Teach her not to treat your children that way, with a scathing rebuke from on high.  Amen.”

CRUTCH WORDS:

Same as JUST’n Martyr / JUST inJUSTice, but instead of “JUST” we have an overuse of another word or phrase like “FATHER”, “REALLY”, “O GOD”, “LORD GOD”, etc.

“Lord God, we just really, Lord God, really, just, Lord God …”

“Father, we ask you, Father, to just, Father, really just, O Father…”

THE KING JAMES ONLY PRAYER:

As the quotation goes, “If King James English was good enough for Saint Paul, it is good enough for me.”  For these people, prayer just seems more “holy” if spoken in a 300-year-old dialect, as if God were somehow nostalgic for such ornamentation.

“We beseech Thee, in Thine tabernacles, O Lord. Ye forgiveth the bowels of iniquity as an ensample…”

PRAY WITHOUT CEASING:

To “pray without ceasing” is generally understood as an admonition to not neglect our prayers, or for us to maintain an attitude of prayer in all that we do.  Not so with these people, they take it literally.  They seem to think that prayer is to be preferred over all other activities in Christian life; and if you do not agree, well that is too bad since they are praying just now.  Also known as THE ETERNAL PRAYER, or THE PRAYER THAT NEVER ENDS.  Those who do this should never be asked to pray before a meal.

“Lord, we pray for the believers in China.  And, Lord, we want to mention each one by name…”

PRAY WHAT?

When asked to pray for a certain purpose, to pray about everything but that.

[To give thanks at dinner:] “Lord, bless Joey in his job search, and grandma Higgins as she visits her daughter Louise, and the building fund at the church, and… and… and…  Amen!” (Never gets around to the food.)

THE UNSPOKEN REQUEST:

Php 4:6 (NAS) …let your requests be made known to God.

THE SATANIST:

While Christians have debated over the millennia over whether prayers should be addressed to Jesus or the Father, this person avoids the issue entirely by directly addressing prayers to the devil.  This is also known as the DEAR DEVIL prayer, or PRAYING TO THE DEVIL.

“Devil, I am sick and tired or your slewfoot shenanigans.  I put you on notice, you liar, you!”

“Satan, I’m talking to you!  Now listen up. I take authority over you…”

As a footnote  here, beyond not having a single example of anyone praying to the devil in scripture, we are specifically warned in Jude 1:9-10 that prayers in this venue are typical of false prophets.

THE HERESY PRAYER:

A public prayer, however sincere, that is just plain wrong.

“Father, we know that you would never correct your children.  No, you are too good for that.  For you promised us in the Holy Bible that you would never punish anyone, not even the littlest flea, and we take your word on this matter as the very gospel!  [etc. etc.]“

REVERSE HUMILITY:

Rather than show personal penitence, this perpetrator seeks to slam or insult the group he/she is in via prayer.  Also known as THE ACCUSER OF THE BRETHREN.

“God, you know this dog-brained group of ours has about zero spiritual wisdom…”

“Lord, I pray you would forgive the leaders of our fellowship for their ignorance and laziness…”

THE ANNOUNCEMENT PRAYER:

“Dear Lord, please be with next Sunday’s potluck, which will be at Amy and Arthur’s home on 333 Mockingbird Lane.  The Cape Cod with green shutters and 2 ferns on the porch.  Dear God, help us all to remember that all families last name A-L need to bring sandwiches and families last name M-Z need to bring dessert.  And Sovereign Lord, please don’t let the person who is supposed to bring the drinks forget again, like last time. Amen.”

(Source: http://www.acts17-11.com/pray_tell.html)